I’m working on a pretty in-depth post about weight and dating and attitude and was hoping to post it today. And then I took my daily lunch blog break and caught up on Sex, Lies and Dating in the City. Simone posted a stunning story about a topic near and dear to my heart. Avoiding the “potential” trap. (Simone, please forgive me for not posting an entire article comment on your page since I decided cross-linking might be a better way to tackle how I feel about this one.)
The gist of the story. Boy meets girl. Girl and boy date. Ring and marriage is offered. Girl accepts with one caveat… she’ll only marry him if he changes X about himself. And proceeds to share that reason with anyone who asks when the wedding is. I definitely recommend sliding on over to Simone’s post if you want the whole story.
I searched through all my posts, certain that I’d written about the “potential trap” and couldn’t find it. And, of course, the whole concept ties in beautifully to my post on dating and weight issue. So, I decided to write a quickie (or, sigh, not so quick as it turns out) on potential today and perhaps make the one about weight a 2 part post for next week.
So, here’s my opinion on investing in potential:
Anytime someone says “I’ll love you if…” or “I’ll love you when,” the love becomes conditional. Period. Love isn’t something that can be parceled out like an abusive parent that loves you when you’re “good” and beats you when you’re “bad.” Because, no doubt about it, having conditions placed on you by someone who you love and trust feels like an emotional beating on the days that you don’t live up to their expectations.
I have to admit, when I was younger, I invested in potential. I would stay with someone thinking perhaps they’d change. And then one day, someone did that to me. That was the end of me investing in potential. (I didn’t like someone else putting themselves above me as judge and jury…surprise, surprise.) Now, I look at the “as is” version and ask myself, “Do I love him as is? If he NEVER makes the changes he’s talking about, will I still love him?” If I can say yes, then I know I’m in it for the right reasons. That I respect him enough to love him as is or free him to find someone who does.
Like OneDateWonder says on Simone’s blog comments, everyone has their preferences. I agree. We all do and that’s part of what makes the world such an interesting place. But it also means you find someone you prefer and can love AS IS. It’s great to support change in a partner’s life, but not in a way that makes them feel like they’re going to risk your love if they don’t succeed. You like skinny girls? Great. Date skinny girls (and hope she never gets incapacitated, pregnant, sick, etc.) But don’t date a not-skinny girl and tell her that you’re sure you’ll love her completely if she looses 20 pounds. If the girl you’re dating asks for your support in loosing 20 pounds or you discuss together that you’re concerned about health and agree that some changes could be made, that’s great but not when you hold loss of love as the sword swinging over the proverbial head.
And would I change for someone else? Depends on the issue. Something core to my character. emotional or spiritual well-being would have to be an internally motivated change where I approached my partner for support. Something like wearing heels, trying a new sport or learning how to cook… those are all reasonable as requested changes but ixnay on any ultimatums. I can’t promise anything on the cooking front, but hey, I’d certainly give it a go!
8 Comments
October 30, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Good one, Kelli! As one who hasn’t been in a relationship in a while, I can see how it would be tempting to give in to someone’s “demands” if it would keep you from being alone. Especially when, as in the case in the article to which you linked, it’s a change that would benefit you to make.
But, one difficult (and really annoying!) truth I’ve learned in life is that the best results come from doing the right thing for the right reasons. Losing weight so that other people will like you doesn’t address the real issue – self love. What momma said turns out to be true – you have to love yourself before anyone else will.
November 3, 2009 at 1:11 pm
you are right on the money Randy — it’s gotta be self-driven or it don’t mean a thang!
November 1, 2009 at 11:13 am
Thanks for the shout out, and what a perfect name for a post. It is a trap. A relationship-killing trap.
November 3, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Anytime — your subject matter always does seem to get me writing
November 1, 2009 at 6:00 pm
There’s change, and then there’s change.
I’d love to try the new hobby, band, venue, food, activity, position, vehicle, book, dance, etc. that a loved one is passionate about. As I said on your Facebook thread, I’ve made some fundamental changes in behavior because I love someone — but it was not at her demand nor is it a condition of her love. It’s simply that I love and want to grow.
I won’t change my selfhood to please (or appease) another. Those things core to my character (great phrase, K!) are in constant evolution as I live and learn. They change over time, and lovers might even be relieved or happy about the change, but that’s not the reason for the change. LOL
Changing to “earn” love, well, that’s a dangerous game. Lovers should grow and change together while loving each iteration along the way.
Not that I have an opinion or anything.
November 3, 2009 at 1:07 pm
yeah, the whole earning love thing is just plain ole scary. What, am I going to keep a gold star chart so I know how I’m stacking up in my love bank account?
(Not that I have an opinion either) And the whole… “I hope you never change’ thing… really? Cause I sure am glad I’ve changed since those high school yearbook days. Believe you me, no guy would want to date a woman in her 30’s that acted like that! LOL
November 3, 2009 at 5:24 pm
To me, this whole “investing in potential” concept is really problematic.
I guess I’m at the stage at my life right now where I want a partner that wants to share a journey of self discovery, continually pushing each other and constantly growing/improving in all areas of life.
November 10, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Preach it brothah! I am totally on board with that end point!