Continuing from the posts referring to John Gottman’s Second Horseman: Contempt and First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the third Horseman to the stage: Defensiveness.
The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive — the “victim” doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitude they express, tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything. If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance,) you are adding to your marital troubles.
Examples of Defensive types of behavior:
- Denying responsibility: Your spouse tells you that you hurt their feelings and you reply that you said nothing wrong.
- Making Excuses: Always blaming outside circumstances for your own failings.
- Disagreeing with Negative Mind Reading: Reading into assumptions your partner makes about you and allowing it to raise your defensive reactions rather than accepting that the commentary is coming from their own issues.
- Cross-Complaining: Ignoring what your partner says and shooting back with your own complaint or criticism.
- Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: From the old “I’m rubber and you’re glue” saying, this behavior manages to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner. Its classic table turning behavior.
- Yes-Butting: And statement that starts off agreeing and then asserts a “but” to end with disagreement instead.
- Repeating Yourself: Instead of trying to understand your partner’s POV, you just keep repeating your own.
- Whining: Less about what you say as to how you say it. Childish, high-pitched nasal tone that stresses one syllable toward the end of the sentence.
- Body Language: False smiles, shifting body from side to side and folding arms across your chest.
The major problem with defensiveness is that it obstructs communication thereby escalating conflict.
Well, you can’t really argue with this one. Dealing with defensive behavior pretty much makes any relationship impossible. Being able to accept blame or to apologize always comes in high on my list of behavior that I not only want in a mate, but behavior that I strive to embody myself. Not always easy, but I’ve found, always worth the effort. An apology or sincere understanding of wrong-doing goes much further towards bringing two people together than any amount of “it’s not my fault!”
2 Comments
July 2, 2009 at 12:52 pm
These people are mean! I hope I have never done any of these to anyone.
July 7, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Have you ever run into someone like this?