Since so many readers jumped on the comment bandwagon on my Facebook feed about the bad kisser post, I thought a follow-up post on what constitutes a “bad kiss” would be appropriate. In my opinion, in no particular order:
- Excess slobber. If a towel or spittoon are needed for clean up after a kiss… there’s not likely to be another.
- Belief in adage “the more tongue, the better.” Please know in advance: yes, I still have tonsils and my wisdom teeth have been removed…you really don’t need to double check. Thank you.
- The Mamma Bird/Baby Bird Technique: Please refrain from opening hatch and waiting for me to deposit something. I might be tempted to get a worm from the bait shop just to see if that’s what you’re looking for.
- Blood. Any blood drawn and you get sent back over to the Vampire Academy for more lessons.
- Back pats or dry, hard lip pecks — nothing says “kissing my brother” (unless we’re talking Hilary Swank) more than that kind of body language.
- No Kiss at all. If you’re trying to skip the kiss ala “Pretty Woman,” I won’t be giving you the green card to move along to the other activities at which you are so obviously aiming.
- Face licking. Ewwww. Not even my dog thinks face licking is cool.
- Weird clicking or popping sounds that make me think you might be trying to imitate Larvell Jones in the Police Academy movies.
- Bad breath or body odor. Yup, I’m one of the finicky people.
- Lizard Kissing. I’m not a huge reptile fan so, in my book, the kiss is over quicker the faster the flicker.
- Mashing. If I’m worried about tooth chips or losing the top 3 layers of skin to stubble, I’ll skip the call to my dentist and dermatologist by avoiding further opportunities with a masher.
- Sucker Fish Kissing. If I’m worried about having hickeys on my cheek the next day, you are so done.
- Passivity. If you are about as responsive as a pillow, I’ll send you to casting for the next young adult movie featuring the joys of abstinence.
- The Air Block. Please make sure I can continue to breathe.
I’d love to hear about what you think makes a kiss “bad” or “good” so please comment away! And note that yes, I know that kissing is a personal preference thing. This list contains my personal preferences and I understand that you could find all of the above totally sexy. (However, if you do, please refrain from asking me out.)
4 Comments
July 2, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Kissing is an art and not all good kissers do it the same way. I cannot recall any real bad kisses as much as I can boring kisses. One thing I do remember not liking is someone who kissed well but then would stop and savor periodically, with her eyes closed. It was unsettling.
July 7, 2009 at 6:53 pm
LOL
that would indeed be “unsettling.” Perhaps she was attempting to preserve the moment for the day she could say… “I remember when I kissed Kime before he was all famous and stuff.” Kind of like a lip-print autograph.
August 18, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Passionate kissing is the most intimate act between 2 people. It tells you if you are hitting all the right notes and reveals potential chemistry.
August 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Do you think there is anything equal to a kiss for learning about notes and chemistry?