I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.
By Colleen Oakley
Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.”
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.
Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why.Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill.Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.
Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.
Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
34 Comments
March 20, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Man, you like to stir the pot ….
I’m not good at rel. w/ more then one women at a time … but then there are women who have several romantic relationships … (and of course the stereotypes are for men to do this more). I think we’re all wired a little different. Certainly it does seem as a broad generalization that women become more connected emotionally through physical intimacy. I just no longer think this is always true.
March 22, 2009 at 1:58 pm
LOL — thats how you get the conversation started in the online world. You’ve seen me in person… much less pot stirring.
March 21, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I don’t think guys can walk away without being emotionally scathed in some way because if it doens’t occur shortly after, it will show up somewhere down the line because as humans, we are designed to connect. Sexual connections at such an intimate level means both people are going to go away from the experience having left a part of themselves in the encounter, a part of their soul which makes them who they are. Multiple encounters with many others will result in multiple pieces of themselves left behine which is part of their soul that acts as a check on better or bad behavior and the differenct between the two. There probably comes a point where multiple encounters are creating pain in the soul sort of like tooth pain in the mouth that is sharp and chronic. In order to relieve the pain, pain killers such as alcohol and drugs as mentioned in the article are used to numb, cover, or mask the pain at the heart and soul level
Josh McDowell, a national travelling speaker to college students in one of his books as a quote of someone who engaged in pre-marital sex. that person said, “Sex is like having a million dollars (or a trillion by 21st Century standards) and outside of marriage giving it away to wrong person.”
March 22, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I happen to agree with you that neither party is unscathed as much as our society would like for us to believe otherwise. I wonder when we (as a culture) decided that such an intimate act should have less boundaries than engaging only with love?
March 22, 2009 at 2:10 am
I have been told a woman after the age of 50 can have multiple partners, no problem.
March 22, 2009 at 1:55 pm
whats the magic about 50?
March 22, 2009 at 2:13 pm
What is magic about 50?….Women stop making eggs, gravity affects their body, etc….some call it “menopause.”
March 22, 2009 at 2:18 pm
What is magic about 50?….my point is, testosterone levels increase in a woman..there is somewhat of a role reversal, aggresive, almost the same level as a man in his 20’s & 30’s…..
March 22, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Sadly, post-menopausal women don’t realize they have a newly acquired “gift”. I sense most stay away from the dating scene, and divert their energy to their family and grand kids.
March 22, 2009 at 2:26 pm
No man can compete with that…..
March 25, 2009 at 11:29 am
I agree with the article, but I take issue with the way it’s written. It makes women seem weak, that having an emotional attachment after sex is a problem, that we should stop having sex altogether because we don’t know how to handle it. Sure, there are plenty of women who aren’t the smartest when it comes to sex, but I think we’d be just as unintelligent if we thought women today have the same emotional issues we had 5, 10, 15 years ago. I think we’re learning more and more how to “think like a woman, but date like a man.” And the author says herself that she has “no data” to back up some of her claims.
After rambling, I guess my point is that while there is some truth to this article, women shouldn’t stop hooking up. We should just be smarter about it.
March 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hunter you havent been in the Gold Coast in chicago on a friday then.
And…to answer the question….it depends.
Some people…alot of people I don’t think it does. But there are a sm all percentage that do.
March 25, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Ah Hunter… find a younger woman with PCOS and you’ll have the same effect. High testosterone can really be interesting for a woman’s body… but perhaps I shouldn’t give away too many secrets. LOL
MSto — I see your point. And when she said the no data thing, I also paused, but I don’t read it as her trying to downgrade women — merely stating that we are different than men and to celebrate the differences. I actually hate that as a woman, I’m expected to change and shift my way of living in order to play well in a “man’s world” which in essence downgrades women more than just noting that the sexes are wired differently. I don’t think we should have to date like a man in order to have success. I’d rather date like a woman because that is what I am and find a man who wants a woman instead of a faux-man.
I do try to stay gender neutral on the blog since that keeps it from becoming a sexist kind of forum… but I do, very much, celebrate my femininity and those lovely men’s masculinity. *grin*
March 25, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Gerry what happens on the Gold Coast on a Friday night? About the second response, it depends?….on what?
March 25, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Kelli, a younger woman with PCOS?…..I have never heard of that. An increase in testosterone in a womans body is interesting according to a shrink that preaches on the west coast. She is 70+ years old, claims to have 30 years of study and research on relationships.
March 27, 2009 at 2:57 pm
When I used to go to the Gold Coast on a friday night.. say Tavern on Rush or Gibsons, all about the cougars. And its funny cause alot (at the time anyway, its been a few years) seemed to be quite open about it and alot of times, more aggressive. And some of the men I seen..a few lie about what they do..and it may/may not matter.
In some cases I am sure the Patrone helped. LOL But its interesting to view.
March 29, 2009 at 11:39 am
What are cougars?
April 1, 2009 at 1:13 am
Hunter! Where have you been? “Cougars” — aka older women who date younger men. Typically 40+ women and under 29 year old men. Known for being aggressive, competitive and ready to get it on. LOL
July 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Here you go Hunter!!
The ‘Cougar Country CLassic 5k’ where the men get a 30 second head start in front of the cougars, er ladies…
http://www.signmeup.com/Upload/Files/UP1132_CCC5K%20Event%20Information.pdf
July 14, 2009 at 4:14 pm
muuuwaaahahahahahahahaha… get a head start Hunter…!
April 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Wow.
May 5, 2009 at 2:54 am
So true and I wish this was more wide spread knowledge, the scientific aspect. Years ago I took a BioPsych class and I remember our teacher teaching us this very thing. Oxycotin has a “bonding” affect and is released during sex (and childbirth). After learning this we asked, how does it work for men? She said that men bond through spending time. (Bear with me) Scientist conducted an experiment with Rats and their newborns. Mama rats gave birth and commenced to nursing and caring for the baby rats. Now when the baby rats were placed in the cage with the fathers, the fathers killed the babies. Scientists decided to put a glass partition in the cage with baby and father. Two weeks later, the partition was removed and the father rat, started taking care of the baby rat. It just kinda gives you food for thought.
May 6, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Hummm… interesting. The oxycotin thing is pretty big and gets lost in all the women’s lib concerns that we remain equal. In some things, we just aren’t created the same. Equal but not the same. *grin*
May 7, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Kelli, thanks for the cougar definition.
May 7, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I would be happier, if I ran into more cougars, on the west coast.
May 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm
LOL.
Sigh.
May 13, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Hummm… Orange County perchance? I hear its open season for Cougars down there…
June 19, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I’d have to say that having had my share of relationship and hook-ups, I really think that it’s all dependent upon the person. I think women going in for ‘rebound’ sex, often times end up more emotionally muddled when they leave the bedroom than when they went in. However, I know I’ve slept with guys and then I’ve been the one to got up and left and refused to cuddle. My fiance and I actually have that argument all the time. I want to go have a glass of wine and move on with the day/night – he wants to lay around and emote.
June 23, 2009 at 10:04 am
LOL — well, at least you’ve found a guy who wants to emote. And you are so right about the rebound muddling — guys seem to find clarity and women seem to lose clarity. There just might be a blog post in this… *grin*
June 25, 2009 at 12:35 am
Kelli, I am still looking for the cougar’s den…
July 7, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Hunter — what can I tell you? Perhaps with the economy woes, the cougars have returned to their dens for at-home pawdicures and drink imbibing. LOL Maybe you could look for a PIT instead (Puma In Training.)
July 14, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Kelli, I think I may have stumbled onto a den. Some cougars can be really sweet.
July 16, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Wow! What leprechaun pointed you to your pot of gold?
August 1, 2009 at 8:49 pm
A helpful leprechaun showed me the way!..