The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman 3

Continuing from the posts referring to John Gottman’s Second Horseman: Contempt and First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the third Horseman to the stage: Defensiveness.

The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive — the “victim” doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitude they express, tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything. If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance,) you are adding to your marital troubles.

Examples of Defensive types of behavior:

1. Denying responsibility: Your spouse tells you that you hurt their feelings and you reply that you said nothing wrong.
2. Making Excuses: Always blaming outside circumstances for your own failings.
3. Disagreeing with Negative Mind Reading: Reading into assumptions your partner makes about you and allowing it to raise your defensive reactions rather than accepting that the commentary is coming from their own issues.
4. Cross-Complaining: Ignoring what your partner says and shooting back with your own complaint or criticism.
5. Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: From the old “I’m rubber and you’re glue” saying, this behavior manages to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner. Its classic table turning behavior.
6. Yes-Butting: And statement that starts off agreeing and then asserts a “but” to end with disagreement instead.
7. Repeating Yourself: Instead of trying to understand your partner’s POV, you just keep repeating your own.
8. Whining: Less about what you say as to how you say it. Childish, high-pitched nasal tone that stresses one syllable toward the end of the sentence.
9. Body Language: False smiles, shifting body from side to side and folding arms across your chest.

The major problem with defensiveness is that it obstructs communication thereby escalating conflict.

Well, you can’t really argue with this one. Dealing with defensive behavior pretty much makes any relationship impossible. Being able to accept blame or to apologize always comes in high on my list of behavior that I not only want in a mate, but behavior that I strive to embody myself. Not always easy, but I’ve found, always worth the effort. An apology or sincere understanding of wrong-doing goes much further towards bringing two people together than any amount of “it’s not my fault!”

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman 2

Continuing from the post referring to John Gottman’s First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the second Horseman to the stage: Contempt.

What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner — he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism.

When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. Common signs of contempt include:

The Four Horsemen of a Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman One

I’ve been reading a book by John Gottman called “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and it occurred to me, as I was reading, that a lot of this information would be helpful in dating relationships as well. For the next few days I am going to share excerpts from a concept that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Warning Signs” and see what you all think about these warning signs applying to pre-marriage relationships as well as marriages.

The First Horseman: Criticism

What Makes a Bad Kiss a “Bad Kiss?”

Since so many readers jumped on the comment bandwagon on my Facebook feed about the bad kisser post, I thought a follow-up post on what constitutes a “bad kiss” would be appropriate. In my opinion, in no particular order:

1. Excess slobber. If a towel or spittoon are needed for clean up after a kiss… there’s not likely to be another.
2. Belief in adage “the more tongue, the better.” Please know in advance: yes, I still have tonsils and my wisdom teeth have been removed…you really don’t need to double check. Thank you.
3. The Mamma Bird/Baby Bird Technique: Please refrain from opening hatch and waiting for me to deposit something. I might be tempted to get a worm from the bait shop just to see if that’s what you’re looking for.
4. Blood. Any blood drawn and you get sent back over to the Vampire Academy for more lessons.
5. Back pats or dry, hard lip pecks — nothing says “kissing my brother” (unless we’re talking Hilary Swank) more than that kind of body language.
6. No Kiss at all. If you’re trying to skip the kiss ala “Pretty Woman,” I won’t be giving you the green card to move along to the other activities at which you are so obviously aiming.
7. Face licking. Ewwww. Not even my dog thinks face licking is cool.
8. Weird clicking or popping sounds that make me think you might be trying to imitate Larvell Jones in the Police Academy movies.
9. Bad breath or body odor. Yup, I’m one of the finicky people.
10. Lizard Kissing. I’m not a huge reptile fan so, in my book, the kiss is over quicker the faster the flicker.
11. Mashing. If I’m worried about tooth chips or losing the top 3 layers of skin to stubble, I’ll skip the call to my dentist and dermatologist by avoiding further opportunities with a masher.
12. Sucker Fish Kissing. If I’m worried about having hickeys on my cheek the next day, you are so done.
13. Passivity. If you are about as responsive as a pillow, I’ll send you to casting for the next young adult movie featuring the joys of abstinence.
14. The Air Block. Please make sure I can continue to breathe.

I’d love to hear about what you think makes a kiss “bad” or “good” so please comment away! And note that yes, I know that kissing is a personal preference thing. This list contains my personal preferences and I understand that you could find all of the above totally sexy. (However, if you do, please refrain from asking me out.)

What Do You Do With A Bad Kisser?

*Caveat* You know, it can be kind of daunting to date a girl who writes about dating. So, I’m letting the general public know that I’m absolutely not talking about anyone I’ve dated *recently* with today’s topic. *Ok, now you may proceed*

Let’s set the stage…you’re excited. You waited to kiss her until the 3rd date since you really really like her and wanted to build a little anticipation. After a great night of flirting, little touches, laughter and lingering glances into a very interested second party’s pretty blue eyes, you quite simply can not WAIT to get to the evening’s finale. The big moment comes at the front door when she tilts her face up to yours and you just know she wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss her. You lean in for the kiss and… find yourself ravaged by a tonsil hockey veteran and excess slobber all over the lower half of your face.

I don’t think I’m the only one to say… EWWWWWWWWW! What to do with a bad kisser?